I must confess- growing up scares me. It's not the solemn responsibility of being a respectable and loving adult: citizen, wife, mother or grandmother. Of course some of that holds its own fear and mystery. But rather, I am terrified of losing my youth, of losing this sense of novelty about life, of which I find here in my youth. I may be impetuous and wide-eyed and may on occasion laugh too much, but, how else am I to feel the world? I am afraid as I grow older, my wonder will dissipate, diminishing immensely, leaving me aloof, severely mature with an air about me which mutters, I've seen it all. Of course I will know more of the world later on- for discovery and experience are found and learned over time. But what I don't want is to become like the majority of people I've observed around me- to become like the solemn faced, grey-haired woman who comes in often and orders a soy chai; she is civil and old, yet nothing more. Perhaps that's it- I don't ever want to become old. We all grow old, naturally, but I don't want to be old. Old as in: joyless, apathetic or I've seen it all. I don't want to be that kind of old. I don't want my perspective of existence or my awe of God to grow stale and cold as I age. Those are two things I don't ever want to "get used to."

"Man grows used to everything, the scoundrel." (Crime and Punishment)


Gwennie H. said...

I can totally relate...I'm about to enter a whole new decade, and the prospect is quite frightening. :)I think that the joy that comes from serving God is a large part of the youthfulness we long to keep, though, and we needn't give that up, no matter how old we are!

Joshua Keel said...

My friend Jonathan and I were talking about this the other night. I think youthfulness or childlikeness is a kind of wholehearted lack of selfconsciousness, like when a child is completely absorbed in play for an hour and has no clue what is going on in his surroundings. We adults are too concerned with appearances and trivial experiences and possessions that we exalt to positions of towering importance. Simplicity, imagination, true affection and passion are some of the things I think we can appreciate about childhood. This has possibly little to do with what you're talking about, Holly, but I thought I'd share anyway.

melanie's all my favorite things said...

It was great meeting you today! I have read (so far) 2 of your entries and I find your thoughts and ideals refreshing. I do feel old occasionally,(just turned 50!) BUT...my wonder is still there! I am constantly cloud gazing, wondering what adventure is next, and always wondering what treasure I will turn up next! I hope you come in again soon- I just loved your energy!